Last week I sat in a lawyer’s conference room. The décor was clinic white, all the better to show off their art collection, two pieces of which caught my wandering eye (it was a lawyers conference after all and the first rule of listening to lawyers is that you don’t have to listen to lawyers, especially because they build a career based on the assumption that you must). The two pieces were set apart by the folded back dividing wall. A modesty screen of sorts. For the two pieces couldn’t be more diverse. One was a three piece collection of halo ensconced (female I imagined) saints posed in classic orthodox reverence. On the other side of the modesty divider is a large wooden totem from PNG, a full sized painted male figure in full frontal nudity with his penis proudly displayed and his mouth forming a round ‘O’ in apparent surprise. Over the drone of the suit up the front I fancied I heard the following conversation:
‘Oi, this is a clothes free beach, drop yer halos.’
“Seriously?’
“Yeah. If yer getting flash its body paint only.’
“What? You want us to drop our gowns too?’
‘Well I’m out here with only yellow paint on my butt. If that’s the case you can jolly well slip some of that gold off your locks.’
‘But God might not approve!’
‘Bollocks – I can hang around here with my balls painted blue for everyone to see. You think he doesn’t approve of that? He hasn’t ruined the fishing and no one has threatened me with matches.’
‘Balls?’
‘Never you mind. Want to be in this club? Off with yer clobber.’
‘But what if people look at us?’
‘You kidding? Its an audience of lawyers. They only watch each other. None of you are reformed lawyers are you? No thought not, not possible. Just mind the guy over on the far wall near the back. Don’t think he’s a beak – he’s had a perve at me already.’
‘My Lord, a perve. I have been warned about that. Will he burn?’
‘Burn? The only burning around here ladies will be you if you don’t get some sunscreen on. See all this white stuff on my chest – good for stopping the rays destroying your saintly skin.’
‘Do we need to wear feathers as well?’
‘Of course though it does depend on where you want to tie them. Oi you, all the way off, that’s it. No modesty here thanks.’
‘Do you have any more of that white paint?’
Sure, let me just get that rubbed on you.’
‘Is that safe?’
‘Sure, no splinters from my hands at all.’
‘That’s not what….’
‘I know, but we are the only ones on this beach. Safe as a room full of lawyers.’
‘That’s what worries me. We will never be able to deny that we were here.’
‘Ha. I have had my old fella hanging out here for years and none of those pin stripes have thrown me a glance. Daub yourselves up and stick a few feathers on yer nipples and they won’t see you either.’
“Ooh, nipples, you are a saucy fellow.’
‘Settle down. Just be thankful you made it to the right beach. By the way, I’m the only guy around here allowed to have a woody.’
‘Woody?”
(sigh) ‘Never mind. It doesn’t work when I have to laugh at my own jokes.’
(Applause: better get my mind back to the task at hand. With a bit of luck those around me will think I was assiduously taking notes. Well I was, after a fashion.)