Cast:
Buzz. Old kelpie dog. 74 years of dust matted into his pelt. Eyes set way too close together. Thinks he runs the farm.
Silver. Mongrel something. 73 years of dust. Forehead as wide as a tanker’s bow – eyes way too far apart. Thinks he runs the farm.
Two kelpie bitches in heat. Know they run the farm.
Two part time, pretend farm hands trying to keep all of the above separated, fed, watered and out of each others way.
Scene 1: Bitches on heat. Dogs crazy.
Scene 2: 0300 or thereabouts. Crazy dogs get at each other through the wire of their kennels. Silver manages to penetrate the dust and hair armour and Buzz has his face chopped up. Barking ceases. Buzz exits left and lies down in shock. Silver centre stage, tail erect. Bitches look the other way and smile at each other.
Scene 3, Sunrise: Part time pretend farm hand 1: Uh oh, that looks bad.
Part time pretend farm hand 2: It’s worse – that dog belonged to the bosses husband (now deceased).
Part time pretend farm hand 1: Uh oh, that looks real bad. Might die.
Part time pretend farm hand 2: Not on this watch he won’t.
Farm hands exit stage left, running (for phone).
Scene 4:
Part time pretend farm hand 1: Uh oh, that still looks bad.
Part time pretend farm hand 2: Uh huh, hasn’t moved in hours. I’ll pick him up and put him in the back of the truck.
(Dog manhandled into truck and clipped to rail. Growls but lies down).
Scene 5:
Truck ignition is started.
Buzz leaps to his feet and barks a gruff bark at the sky (that is, at nothing in general): Gruff gruff.
Repeated a second later: Gruff gruff
Part time pretend farm hand 1: Uh oh, is that good?
Part time pretend farm hand 2: Dunno, let’s roll.
Gruff gruff…
Gruff gruff…
Gruff gruff… repeat for twenty minutes without let-up to the front gate.
Gruff gruff…
Gruff gruff…
Gruff gruff…
Part time pretend farm hand 1 and 2 :Shuddup ya mongrel!! (in unison from front seat at regular intervals)
Gruff gruff…
Gruff gruff…
Part time pretend farm hand 1: Nothing wrong with him!
Part time pretend farm hand 2: But his face is hanging off.
Gruff gruff…
Gruff gruff…
Gruff gruff…
Gruff gruff… repeat for the whole trip on a regular one second metronome interval, a total of two hours to the vet.
Gruff gruff…
Gruff gruff…
Scene 6: Vet. Might keep him here for a few days. Save you boys having to hang around town.
Scene 7: Farm yard on return – bitches let out to run and no longer have to be locked away (Silver remains incarcerated) for the next week.
Scene 8: (Off stage) Bitches overheard whispering “Works every time. Now, let’s see if we can get these boys have me ride up in the front of the truck with them!”
